Life is a game; a social hierarchy that has absolutely no rhythm or rhyme. There’s a ‘formula’ to happiness, apparently, from what I can gather. This never worked for me. This formula, if completed correctly, gives the illusion of happiness. The question nobody seems to ask themselves is: is it happiness, or is it societal success? A well-paying job, a house, a car, a marriage, kids. A checklist of goals that equal happiness, right? That’s all well and good if you’re living and breathing your dream job, that house is your safe space, you have the time to allow that car to give you the freedom you bought it for, a marriage alongside someone you don’t secretly but obviously resent, and kids that you actually deserve to raise. I’m well aware I’m a bit bitter when it comes to analysing the expectations that generations of one-dimensional success-seekers lay upon us. It’s very easy to resent contributing to a society that you don’t believe in, or understand. What are we achieving? This was never our purpose. I know right, what purpose? I don’t have to say it, you’re already thinking it.
When I was forcing myself through a life that I never had the capacity to manage, it ruined me. Along with the long list of positive traits I received from being born autistic, there also came an everlasting fog of confusion. People are enormous question marks. Why are you getting angry about something I’m not doing, and then when I do do it, I’m still wrong. Why the upset because you read between lines that I never created? A lot of things I do and say are taken the wrong way, and therefore the majority of people assume that I’m not a good person, or I’m playing with them? No. I say what I mean and mean what I say. But apparently the fact that I’m not playing THE game….means I’m playing a game? Yeah, bit of a mindfuck. It’s safe to say I don’t know what it feels like to not be mentally exhausted all the time.
This isn’t a sob story. If you thought that, you were also reading between the lines that you put in place there, not me. I never said that’s what it was…therefore it is not. Fact is fact. I don’t like sympathy, like sure relate to my experience and we can maybe bond over that, but I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m not a tragedy. I’m a story, read or don’t, that’s all.
I’ve always wondered as I was growing up why people don’t seem to look up very much. Like literally look up; eyes up to the sky kind of looking up. I always found it brings you back down to earth, if we look past the ugly grey buildings that society decided we needed to build claustrophobically around us to encourage the money game that is ‘life’. And in amongst those buildings includes a severe lack of windows in many of them, so if you ‘contribute to society’ from inside one of those buildings, are you even a real part of this world? Or a nonexistent character in a fictional book with a shit start, middle and end?
Don’t get me wrong, some people like that life because that’s what life is to them, or at least it funds the life they actually want (is probably a more fair statement to make). And that’s great, if that makes you happy. The point I’m emphasising is that a lot of the time it doesn’t, and that’s where the problem lies. I would never even attempt to count the number of people I know that drown themselves in unhealthy addictions because they accidentally walked into a lifestyle that they were told was fitting for them. When in reality they never had a chance at happiness because they were never allowed the time to figure out what they actually wanted out of life.
My theory, which is pretty basic but no one likes to buy into it, is that relationships are at the core of everything. That goes for all kinds of relationships. The biggest mistake we can make is sacrificing this core piece of what actually matters to us as humans so we can perform this act of ‘contributing to society’ in the most meaningless way possible. What you need to ask yourself is: are you connecting with those around you, or are you people-pleasing? Because if it’s the latter you’re on the road to the shit end of that book I mentioned earlier. Allow yourself a best friend, fall in love so hard that you’re blinded by that blissful HAPPINESS that so many of us pretend to gag in response to. We are humans, not obedient robots. Love hard, hate harder. (Because some people are dickheads). Let yourself feel however you need to feel, and stop acting whatever way you ‘need’ to act.
We always hear that stupid saying, it’s always some version of ‘the key to happiness is saying yes’……..sorry, what? SAY NO. Say no to anything that goes against what you believe in as being human. Indulge yourself in what makes your heart truly happy, we shouldn’t have to spare it out and keep our happiness at arms length incase we….what? Become too happy?
That’s it. That’s the blog.